Here's the other end of that Busman's Holiday episode Neil Miles uploaded (and I took some adverts from). Apparently the National Beard Corporation won, and will soon join a comedy foreigner in pitting their beards against the Alps. We'll see how they get on in bleary film footage next week, in a sort of Manpower Services Commission version of Blind Date.
A trailer follows for some further gossamer-light ITV gameshow shenanigans: All Clued Up, a wordgame so basic they couldn't even make a pun out of the game mechanics. "Diddy" David Hamilton hosts a rotten old TVS programme, in association with Lorimar Telepictures and Action Time. And latterly ABC Family. All thanks to TVS' doomed attempt at empire-building around about now.
Next on TSW: This Week, Thames' equivalent to World in Action. It's a special report on the pointless Soviet invasion of Afghanistan, which just came to an end that very day with the Soviets pledging to fuck off out of it because it's basically a gigantic mess with no other exit. Add your own punchline..
Adverts! Jesse Birdsall stalks the very, very slightly expressionist midnight streets in search of the elusive "exciting ATM". He finds it at NatWest: an ATM that makes the whole building light up like a fruit machine in attract mode, or possibly a pinball table - the advertisers appear to have conflated the two. There's no flippers and no ball, but plenty of spinning numbers. In fact, without the presence of the Oo on the soundtrack I probably wouldn't have thought of pinball at all. Whatever, Jesse Birdsall enjoys it. Press for action!
Dawn on the Serengeti. Actually it's Stephen King's Maximum Overdrive, only 1000000 times better. And certainly spookier. Your vehicle demands Duckham's engine oil, and will use sinister powers of telepathy to get it if necessary. Voiceover by Jack May, who knows very well the price of using the wrong liquid in a ritual. At least no-one's using tomato ketchup in their engines.
Next, a Sunderland fan (I expect) runs through a good news/bad news scenario in which the main, unspoken good news is that he's a lonely bachelor who doesn't have to worry about what anyone else might want to do, or eat, or watch him eating, or smell. Doctor Who is amused at his suffering.
It's the last night of the fair, and here is a bear, in a dumb porkpie hat. To the sound of the Lieber/Stoller classic "His Latest Flame" (or just Stoller, really, since they've written new lyrics), George the Hofmeister bear does his usual shtick of being a slightly boring dickhead and somehow garnering universal acclaim for it, whilst simultaneously hawking terrible beer. Tony Blackburn sadly misses the big climax where they hang him.
Next, an android Tony Slattery walks through a virtual world of graph paper and fog nodding at strange, occasionally inexplicable figures from what a computer might believe the past looked like based solely on the spoken testimony of people too young to remember it. It's for Clerical Medical, an investments group, and therefore on something of a hiding to nothing less than a year after Black Monday, but never mind.
Finally, an advert I wanted to use in the Hoovers episode of The Hard Sell but ultimately only did for the promo. The Panasonic Wall to Wall cleaner. Something about this freaked the five year old me out. Maybe it was the lack of a voiceover reading the words out? At the age of five I could more or less read, but I couldn't really parse a sentence like this one. Maybe it was just learning that "vacuum" has two Us. Anyway, the soundtrack was very stylish at the time: chiming pads, trilling synth flute, sampled "ba ba ba" vocals. Very upmarket lift music.
That's all the adverts. Next, after the VHS throws up in its own mouth a little, is a trailer for TSW's very own answer to Watchdog, Consumer File. (Actually it's probably at least partly from the original transmission; TSW are hurriedly overriding the national signal to show us their own trailer). Merryn Howe (or Longfoot, or Myatt - whichever she was at this point) cuddles a Dulux dog while decrying the mutilation of its fellow canines, although she doesn't go into detail. Also, stop using them pesticides which make you die, you dickweeds.
Before This Week, Jennifer Gavin would like to call your atttention to the fact that TSW has its own daily news programme just like what the BBC do so there, and also they have business news? Yes, on Thursday after the News at Ten, Business South West looks at Business South West. Well, there were still a couple of tin mines open. And Sweb. There was Sweb. Right now, you might could go watch Treasure Hunt with Anneka Rice on Channel Four instead of this hour-long documentary about Afghanistan? It's up to you. The TSW ident accepts no responsibility for your decision.
Watch the whole episode including these adverts (and more) as uploaded by Neil Miles, before something terrible happens.